I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
you didnt know i had herpes?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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