Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
