I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
