My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
