I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize