I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
As shirtless as possible
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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