On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
