New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
