She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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