I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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