That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
