if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
