i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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