he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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