Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
