She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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