I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
