Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
