I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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