that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
