Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize