I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
