This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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