I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Someone came in the potted fern
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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