Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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