i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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