worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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