I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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