i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
