You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
