Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
