I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize