Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
