she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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