Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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