have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
