he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize