if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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