Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
