I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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