butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
