I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
