Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
