apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize