He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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