she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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