glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
