Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
