this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
