i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
