Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
