I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
