You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
