Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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