If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
