if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
