You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
