My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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