the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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