remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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