Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
