i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
