"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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