420 ftw
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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