First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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