Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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