That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
