man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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