Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Randomize
