I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
